


Volume Control

by HeartlessMemo



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Crack, Exhibitionism, F/M, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Smut, Smut and Crack, Spanking, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 22:02:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30028509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartlessMemo/pseuds/HeartlessMemo
Summary: “You know, Guillermo…” He sees the moment his lover picks up on his train of thought.“Are you serious?” Guillermo rolls his eyes, huffing out more laughter.“They are amateurs down there! We could show them what real love-making is!”“But I’m cozy and sleepy and, well, I’m not even that loud unless…”Nandor’s smile turns slightly feral. “Unless…”---Guillermo and Nandor overhear their housemates having sex and decide to compete for dominance.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja
Comments: 11
Kudos: 19





	Volume Control

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on a tumblr prompt that Haz sent to me: _"While laying in bed, the two of them can't help but overhear their upstairs neighbors going at it rather loudly. A turns to B after a while, and asks, "You wanna fuck louder than them to establish dominance?"_ Thanks Haz!!
> 
> Thank you to Meli for beta reading and general encouragement! 
> 
> And thanks to YOU for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!!

Nandor doesn’t miss sleeping in his coffin. Sure, it was scary at first: slumbering out in the open without the comforting protection of those solid wooden walls hugging his supine form, blocking the sun’s lethal glare. But in the blue room’s big bed, Nandor can snuggle up to his human whenever he likes. Guillermo’s round ass is sweet as a ripe peach and nestles perfectly into the cradle of Nandor’s pelvis. He snakes an arm around his soft, warm little boyfriend, tucking him tighter into his embrace and sighing with satisfaction. 

_ This is nice _ , Nandor thinks. He savors the gentle rise and fall of Guillermo’s chest; the steady beating of his heart; even the funny little rumbles his belly makes when he is perhaps dreaming of having a delicious human cake snack. Everything that makes Guillermo human is precious to Nandor. One day, maybe one day soon, Guillermo’s heart will go silent and his tummy will only gurgle when he is thirsty for blood. For now, Nandor will cherish his human’s vitality. Smiling, he nestles his face into the warm crook of Guillermo’s neck, breathing in the scent of hot blood and clean skin.

“OH, LASZLO! TAKE ME HARDER, MY WICKED LITTLE SNAKE CHARMER!”

“MMMYES! I AM WICKED! BUT  _ YOU’VE  _ CHARMED MY LITTLE SNAKE, SWEET LADY!”

Nadja and Laszlo’s cries devolve into shrill, cloying moans. It sounds as though they’re fucking on the ceiling directly beneath his and Guillermo’s room.  _ FUCKING GUYS! _

“What the…'' Guillermo stirs and Nandor’s ire is stoked even further. They have disturbed his vampire killer boyfriend’s slumber! Now Guillermo will be tired tonight and perhaps he will not be as vigilant during his patrolling for assassins! What if he is hurt!? Nandor is seconds away from descending into full blown panic when an unexpected sound jars him out of it.

Guillermo is... laughing?

“Oh my goodness!” he exclaims between chuckles. His dark brown eyes gleam with amusement. “Could they be any more obnoxious?”

In response, Nandor’s lips twitch into a small smile. “I know, right? Yeesh! It’s like, what are they trying to prove down there?”

Guillermo’s giggling turns high-pitched, almost a wheeze. His little hands grab at Nandor’s chest, fingers carding through thick body hair. “Do they think we don’t already know they’re nymphomaniacs or something?”

Nandor’s mind goes temporarily blank at the unfamiliar word, but he is enjoying their fun little laugh, so he rushes to agree, “Yes! Like, okay guys we know you are nymbobrainiacs. You don’t have to fuck through the ceiling to prove yourselves.”

Guillermo’s face softens into a smile that Nandor has begun to recognize as one reserved just for him when he says something especially smart. He beams back at him, letting his large hand stray along the curving slope of Guillermo’s thick shoulder and upper arm. 

“You know, Guillermo…” He sees the moment his lover picks up on his train of thought. 

“Are you serious?” Guillermo rolls his eyes, huffing out more laughter. 

“They are amateurs down there! We could show them what real love-making is!”

“But I’m cozy and sleepy and, well, I’m not even  _ that loud _ unless…”

Nandor’s smile turns slightly feral. “ _ Unless _ …”

“Jesus fucking—”

“Pssh!” Nandor hisses, reaching out to pinch Guillermo’s mouth closed with his index finger and thumb. His grip gentles and he ends up ghosting his fingertips along his lover’s irresistibly plump lips. “Very naughty of you to be using such language with me! During the daytime, too! When I am at my most  _ vul-ner-a-ble _ . You should be punished, I think…”

Guillermo’s lips are still curled into an amused grin, but he sucks in an audible breath at the word “ _ punished _ .” When they fall open, Nandor lets his finger delve inward, plundering into Guillermo’s mouth and pressing down on his tongue, effectively gagging the human. A wanton moan bubbles up Guillermo’s throat and his eyes roll back.

“Yes, you like that, don’t you, my little vampire killer?” Nandor makes his voice low and rough the way Guillermo likes it. He smiles in pleasure when the little man nods, his lips pursed around Nandor’s finger as he begins to suckle. Nandor whines, his penis swelling with arousal. Guillermo’s cheeks are already reddening nicely, his breath coming quick through his nostrils. A thin sheen of saliva coats his lips, pooling in the corners and beginning to drip down onto his chin as he sucks. The blankets shift as Guillermo sways his hips, brushing the bulge of his erection against Nandor’s through the layers of their matching pajama pants.

Nandor’s eyes are fixed on Guillermo’s mouth. He brings his free hand up to trace the pebbling tip of one nipple through Guillermo’s nightshirt. He’s rewarded by the sudden jolt that shakes the bed frame and Guillermo’s low, lusty groan.

Guillermo is a strong, scary vampire hunter. He could kill Nandor if he wished. The very thought draws a groan from Nandor’s lips. But sometimes Guillermo still likes to play the helpless human... “I think my Guillermo needs a spanking. And if you cry nice and loudly for me then I will forgive you, okay?”

Guillermo’s eyelids flutter before he finally focuses his gaze on Nandor and nods his agreement. Nandor removes his finger from his mouth and asks in a voice that’s soft but firm, “You are remembering our safety word?”

“Glitter,” Guillermo breathes. His lips are wet; his pupils are blown. How quickly he falls in line. 

“Very good, Guillermo!” Nandor praises before sitting up and announcing in a bellow, “YOU’VE BEEN A NAUGHTY LITTLE SLAYER, GUILLERMO! I AM GOING TO HAVE TO FUCK YOU TO TEACH YOU TO BE NICE. BUT FIRST YOU WILL BE SPANKED!”

When he looks back at Guillermo he finds that the man’s cheeks have bloomed an even more delicious shade of scarlet. “Oh, Guillermo! You are like a fat little cherry dumpling just for me!” Nandor growls, pouncing on the human and ravaging his mouth in a hungry kiss. 

Guillermo yips before returning the kiss and sinking his stocky fingers into Nandor’s tangled mane. “Nandor!” he pants. “Did you have to announce what we’re going to do? Couldn’t we just, um, you know… moan loudly or whatever?”

Nandor draws back, balancing on his elbows and peering down at Guillermo with his brows drawn together in disbelief. “Guillermo! How will they know that we are more creative than them if we are not describing our exploits?” He turns his head to face the bedroom door and yells, “GUILLERMO YOUR MOUTH IS LIKE FIRE ON MY COLD TONGUE! I WANT TO LICK YOUR SWEET, FAT ASS BEFORE I PLUNDER IT WITH MY PENIS!”

The volume of the shrieking moans from downstairs swells in response causing Nandor to puff up with pride.

When he turns back around he finds Guillermo staring at him with a strange expression. Like he is thinking how much he loves Nandor but also being very confused and horny. Nandor could help with that last one at least.

“Now, Guillermo,” he growls, infusing a playful menace into his tone, “come here and bend over my lap before I am having to attack you. Because I am a very wicked and powerful vampire and I could do it, you know.” Guillermo rolls his eyes and Nandor snaps, “Hey! None of that! Lap now!”

The human crawls across the mattress in a sexy little shuffle. His baggy sleep shirt billows open at the collar and Nandor gets a tantalizing view of his fleshy chest. Lips splitting open in a wolfish grin, Nandor exclaims, “Yes, Guillermo. Good boy crawling to me and flashing those fat little boobies. Perhaps later I will press them together around my penis and fuck them. Would you like that, my slayer?”

Nandor can tell that he does from the way Guillermo hurries to cross the remaining distance between them, draping himself delicately over Nandor’s broad thighs. The softness of his belly presses against Nandor’s aching erection, causing the vampire to thrust up shallowly in pursuit of more friction.

“I think I’d like it better if you shut up and spanked me already,” Guillermo tosses the words over his shoulder with an insolent little sigh as if he is bored.  _ That little… _

Usually Nandor would take his time playing with Guillermo’s delightful ass. He likes to run his fingers lightly up and down the long cleft between the cheeks and then cup each round globe and squeeze. Normally, he will then tease the tender skin just beneath those round swells, where Guillermo’s buttocks meet his thighs. Tonight he tugs at Guillermo’s plaid pajama pants, leaving them stuck half-way down his thighs and doesn’t hesitate before landing a stinging, forceful blow that immediately redden’s Guillermo’s skin and sends a ripple through his flesh. He is rewarded by an ear-splitting caterwaul that temporarily stupefies him. 

And the vampires downstairs, too, apparently. Nandor realizes Guillermo’s cry has left behind a resounding silence in the household. With a thrill, he senses the opportunity to goad and he takes it.

“YES, YOU LOVE BEING PUNISHED BY YOUR VAMPIRE LOVER’S BIG STRONG HANDS, DON’T YOU!?” Nandor slaps Guillermo again, carefully striking an untouched portion of skin. An easy task considering the size of the canvas he has to work with… A high-pitched scream wrenches from Guillermo’s throat, further highlighting the sudden silence from down below. “SCREAM FOR ME, MY SLUTTY SLAYER!”

He showers several more slaps onto Guillermo’s poor, tender ass cheeks, smiling as he watches them turn a delectable shade of red. A few thumps and moans from downstairs can barely be heard over the sound of Guillermo’s wails. The human’s body is limp and obedient in his lap, even as he cries, his face pressed firmly into the mattress and his little hands clawed into the bedsheets.

“Still green-light-go, Guillermo?” Nandor asks softly, gently cupping one bright red cheek with his palm. He marvels at the amazing heat radiating from Guillermo’s abused skin.

A few seconds tick by in relative silence. Nandor listens to Guillermo’s ragged breathing. He reaches over and cards his hand through his hair. He’s about to suggest that they stop when Guillermo replies in a hoarse whisper, “You’re gonna have to hit me harder than that if you expect them to take notice.”

Nandor unleashes hell. 

Okay, Nandor unleashes  _ a bit _ of hell. Because he is not truly wishing to harm his most precious human boyfriend. But Nandor knows just what Guillermo can take. His slayer abilities allow him to withstand far more pain than the average human. Nandor’s hand flashes through the air, pummeling Guillermo’s soft, jiggling buttocks over and over again until his human is a screaming, writhing, begging mess. He would keep going if not for the sudden knocking on their bedroom door.

Nandor pauses, his face screwed up in confusion for a moment before he remembers— of course! This is about showing off for those perverts downstairs! He’s forgotten to be narrating his actions and they are probably wanting to know what is going on in here. 

“I AM BUSY SLAPPING GUILLERMO’S MAGNIFICENT RUMP! GO AWAY!”

Laszlo’s voice sounds from behind the closed door. “That’s quite obvious, old chap! My dear lady wife and I were hoping you might consider granting us entrée into your love nest?”

A veil of blank confusion falls over Nandor’s face and he mutters, “The fuck does that mean?” 

Guillermo’s head pops up; he twists his spine to face Nandor as he explains, “They want to come in and watch.” He raises his voice to address the vampires behind the door, “FUCK OFF!”

“RUDE!” Nadja snarls back. A second later the door bursts open. Nandor has the presence of mind to grab the bedsheets and toss them over Guillermo in order to preserve his delicate modesty. He can smell the blood flowing to his human’s face and fueling the furious blushing of his cheeks. Which is very distracting and delicious, but also it means that Guillermo is feeling uncomfortable, as he has explained to Nandor on more than one occasion.

“I believe my boyfriend told you to be fucking off,” Nandor states with casual haughtiness. He looks down to Guillermo for his approval and finds only a large, human-shaped bed sheet roll. Nandor must suppress his laughter because Guillermo is looking very much like one of those human burrito foods. “Guillermo and I are having private sexy slapping time, thank you. Begone!”

“But, Nandor!” Nadja gripes in a shrill, crooning tone. She floats across the floor in her gown, which Nandor now realizes has been thrown on haphazardly and is hanging off of her bare shoulders. Her pale skin glows in the low light, the soft, rounded tops of her breasts visible over the skewed collar of her bodice. He glances at Laszlo and startles at the sight of the bright green depression track pants which do nothing to hide the vampire’s raging erection. Nadja snaps her fingers before Nandor’s straying eyes. “Eyes off my husband’s necrotic penis, arsehole!”

“What!?” Guillermo sputters, finally emerging from his blanket cocoon and looking very adorable with his disheveled curls and flushed cheeks. Nandor feels the urge to push his lover onto his back and make love to him at once, but Laszlo and  _ fucking _ Nadja won’t leave!

“No penis-looking here, Guillermo! Do not worry!” Nandor assures him, before tugging up the edge of the sheet for a second and joking, “Well, only yours. I promise you.”

Guillermo grabs the sheet and tucks it between the mattress and his hip, creating a makeshift chastity bag. Nandor frowns his most pathetic frown, but Guillermo seems unmoved.

Until Nadja feigns an exaggerated yawn and remarks, “This is even more boring than Laszlo’s pornography reels! Come, darling, let’s go up to the attic and look through the antique dildos…”

Nadja’s words sting Nandor’s pride; he hisses in irritation, but it is Guillermo who speaks up in a low, lethal voice that Nandor has come to associate with dangerous Slayer-Guillermo. 

“Boring?” Just a single word, but Nandor’s penis throbs in response.  _ Yes! _

“Shall we be showing them how not-boring we are, Guillermo?” Nandor asks. As he says the words he slowly, painstakingly tugs the sheet away from Guillermo’s body. The reveal loses some of its dramatic effect when Nandor realizes that Guillermo has never actually removed his pajamas. He pointedly ignores the amused snort from Laszlo and makes quick work of ripping off Guillermo’s loose pants and shirt. Guillermo allows it. Now his plump little body is on full display. 

Nandor darts his gaze to the corner of the room where Nadja and Laszlo have perched on an arm chair. Nadja sits on Laszlo’s lap, leaning back against his chest and staring at Guillermo’s body with a look of naked desire written plainly on her features. Her breasts have escaped the loose bodice and she teases her nipples without dragging her eyes away from Guillermo’s form, red-lacquered nails pinching the sensitive buds as she writhes in her husband’s lap.

Laszlo snakes his hand beneath the plentiful folds of his wife’s skirt, his own eyes gleaming with arousal and fixed on Guillermo’s heaving breast. Nandor beams with pride. His human squirms alluringly on the mattress. His stiff penis stands proudly from the dark curls that sprout between his legs. He opens those legs, thick, juicy thighs parting to bare his sweet crack for Nandor’s lust-filled, burning eyes.

Guillermo’s voice is a thick, husky whisper. “Show them how to make me scream, Nandor.”

Nandor’s eyes momentarily flash with orange flame and he grins, raising hooked fingers and descending upon his lover just like that Belly Luigi would have done. “Here I come, Guillermo!” He announces, shimmying his own matching pair of plaid pajama pants off his long, muscular legs. “Plunder time!”

He climbs back up onto the bed, kneeling between Guillermo’s parted thighs and taking himself in hand, about to drive into that delicious ripe peach, when Guillermo suddenly sits up, putting a warning hand on Nandor’s wrist.

“Uh? Nandor?” His tone is one of patient exasperation. “Baby? Are you forgetting anything?”

“Oy, this is too pathetic. Laszlo, have I ever once forgotten to stretch your arsehole before I penetrated you?”

“No, my darling! You’re quite thorough.” The slithering sound of fabric rustling increases as Laszlo starts up some kind of complicated series of movements beneath the skirt. Nadja’s painted lips fall open and she turns her head to nip and lick at her husband’s neck.

Nandor snarls, furrowing his brows as his shoulders tighten. Mortification grips him. He darts a murderous glance at the couple in the corner and hisses, “I was just getting to that! I know how to fuck my boyfriend, thank you. I do not need lessons from a couple of perverts— half the time you have sex in your bat forms! What is the hot take on that, anyway!? Yeesh!”

He turns back to Guillermo, splayed out on the bed for him like an offering. His face softens and he leans down to place a gentle kiss on Guillermo’s soft mouth. He pulls back only a fraction of an inch and whispers, “I did forget, Guillermo. I’m sorry. I was wanting to show them how I am a powerful lover.”

Guillermo’s eyes dance with light as he smiles. “I know, Nandor. It’s okay. The lube is in the drawer on my side of the bed.”

Rather than leave his position between Guillermo’s spread legs, Nandor stretches his outrageously long torso to the left until his fingertips just barely manage to wiggle open the drawer and retrieve the coveted bottle of lubricant. He holds it aloft with a triumphant grin and Guillermo’s soft giggle makes his heart do that strange flip flop thing that it’s been doing a lot lately. He pours some of the liquid out onto his palm and lathers it over his fingers.

The room is quiet as Nandor lowers his hand between Guillermo’s spread thighs. The only sounds are the gentle rustling of fabric as Laszlo pleasures his wife and Guillermo’s soft, panting breath. Nandor ghosts his dripping wet fingers along the short shaft of Guillermo’s penis, the taught mounds of his weighty balls, and lower still. He glides them along the thin, tender skin that stretches beneath Guillermo’s sack. His human jumps at the sudden contact, wriggling on messy bed sheets as a breath of a moan falls from his lips. 

“That’s good, Guillermo,” Nandor whispers, forgetting to put on his showy announcer voice for their audience. “I love it when you squirm for me.”

“For you, Nandor,” Guillermo echoes, locking eyes with him. 

Nandor could melt into a puddle of dead flesh and blood. Guillermo is  _ his _ . Somehow. Strong, proud, sexy Guillermo is all Nandor’s. Suddenly, his eyes feel stingy and he sniffles unnecessarily. “I love you,” he whispers throatily as his finger circles Guillermo’s puckered opening and pushes inside. From behind him he hears a snort of complaint from Nadja which he ignores.

Now Guillermo is whining and panting and putting on the show that Nandor had desired. But he doesn’t care about putting on a show at this moment. And he knows that Guillermo feels the same. This is boyfriend-only squirming. He adds a second finger to the first, thrusting slowly as Guillermo’s walls clamp down on him, contracting against the invasion. He crooks his fingertips slightly, seeking that fleshy little nub that makes Guillermo sob. There.

“N-Nandor! Fuck!” The words shiver through Guillermo’s clenched teeth. He rolls his hips, grinding down on Nandor’s hand to chase more sensation. “Fuck! Fuck me, baby!”

“Oh, yes! Do that, Nandor,” Laszlo encourages. 

The tantalized voice cuts through Nandor’s haze and he scowls for a second before he recalls that they are showing off how sexy they are. He picks up the lube once more, spreading it libearlly over his penis as he bellows, “I WILL FUCK YOU, VAMPIRE KILLER! PUNISH YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR EVIL DEEDS!”

Guillermo’s face is adorably red and sheened with sweat. His lips curve up into an amused grin as he answers in disbelief, “ _ My _ evil deeds?”

“ENOUGH! YOU WON’T SWAY ME WITH YOUR PLEAS! I AM NANDOR THE RELENTLESS, CONQUEROR OF THOUSANDS, IMMORTAL WARRIOR WHO— “

“Alright, Mr. Scary Vampire, sir,” Guillermo interrupts as he turns onto his side, lifting one thick, powerful leg and using his chubby little hands to part his cheeks. “You wanna fuck me now or, like, once you’ve finished your speech?”

“Insolent—!” Nandor straddles Guillermo’s lower leg, grabbing the other in a hooked grip and bending it back towards his lover’s chest. From this position, he knows he can penetrate his human deeply, hitting him in just the right spot. He takes himself in hand, tracing his weeping penis along Guillermo’s sweet cleft as he leers in anticipation. “I’ll teach you to talk back to your  _ master _ , Guillermo!”

“Wh— !” Before Guillermo can finish his complaint, Nandor presses his slick penis inside of him, stretching and filling him. He lets go of the leg he’s holding in favor of stroking his hand along Guillermo’s soft chest, teasing a nipple and eliciting a delightful gasp as pushes deeper. Guillermo’s low moan vibrates through him as Nandor seats himself fully inside.

“You’re so…” Nandor’s brain short-circuits. He should say something sexy and dirty, something to shock those leering leches in the corner. But Guillermo is warm and tight around him and his little hand flails out and comes to rest on Nandor’s tummy, fingers smoothing over his body hair as he whimpers and shakes. Nandor adores how Guillermo reacts to being penetrated: like he is overwhelmed by the sensation. He watches Guillermo’s face scrunch up as his little cock dribbles precum onto his heaving belly. Guillermo… he is too perfect. Too good for Nandor and far, far too good to be a sideshow for his gross roommates. “You’re so beautiful, Memo,” he finishes, finally pulling back and beginning to rock his hips in a slow, aching pace that is nothing like the frenzied fuck-fest he’d been planning. “My beautiful Guillermo. I love you.” His cheeks are wet for some reason.

“L-love you, too, baby,” Guillermo answers with a trembling voice. 

“Ugh,” he hears Nadja complain. “This is worse than your speech at the orgy. Come, Laszlo, let us make love in Guillermo’s old room! We can roleplay that you are my naughty familiar.”

Nandor ignores them, his eyes boring into Guillermo’s as he thrusts his hips, fingers digging into Guillermo’s juicy thigh, caressing his chest, rolling over his sensitive nipples and tracing the underside of his breasts before trailing down his stomach and grasping his twitching penis. 

“I’m sorry, Guillermo. I know you were wishing to show them how sexy you are…” He strokes and Guillermo arches his back, thrashing his head at the sensation.

“Shut up, you dummy,” Guillermo gasps, grinding down hard on his cock. For a brief second Nandor feels a flash of hurt at his words, but then Guillermo is looking up at him with those huge brown eyes blown open with lust and that precious smile. “I love you, Nandor,” he repeats.

There’s a sudden slam as Nandor waves his hand and their bedroom door shuts tight behind the retreating forms of their roommates. Alone again, they make love in the sealed, quiet solitude of their bedroom. It’s all rasping, panting breath, whispered endearments and affectionate laughter. They come together, Nandor holding himself back from the brink until Guillermo’s leaking, twitching little cock finally spurts over his fist. Guillermo’s moan is soft and private when he feels Nandor filling him up with his own seed. 

Afterwards they lay in each other’s arms and Guillermo absently plaits Nandor’s hair as a yawn cracks his jaw. 

Nandor definitely doesn’t miss sleeping in his coffin.


End file.
